Docendo disco, scribendo cogito
But today is different. No matter the outcome of what I write, I will not be disappointed.
I found out this afternoon that I will not be finishing my PhD degree at UPenn…for now. In what has been the biggest disappointment I have ever experienced (pretty blessed life I’ve lived, right? :-)), I was told that I did not pass my qualifying exam on my 2nd chance. That means that I will finish this May with a Master’s Degree in Cellular and Molecular Biology.
My committee tried to frame it such that the Masters degree is for two years of hard work and not for four more years of work that should have been. But when you are essentially ‘fired’ from what you’ve devoted your life to, it is very hard to think of what you’ve accomplished as opposed to what should have or could have been.
I have absolutely NO idea what I am going to do. My lease with Manoj and Zack is up June 25th, but the school year ends in early May. I have no absolutely no plans after that. First time in my life I have no idea what I’ll be doing in two months…three months…whatever.
I’m actually writing this without having told anyone except Zack, who happened to be sprawled out on the living room couch and asked how my day was (in a bit of good news, he got a new job!) and Shrenik, who called me for unrelated reasons (Achira’s wedding) but I ended up telling him what happened. I thought it might be better to write first. Slow down a little.
Shrenik asked me, “How do you feel?” Maybe graduate school has desensitized my emotions, both in a good and bad way, but the answer to his question is that I feel alright. Having heard the news that I did is not what I wanted to hear.
In fact, I was sure that I was set on what I was going to be doing until 2013. I was ultra sure because I have the tendency to daydream…think ‘what if’…a lot. But for the first time ever, during the last four weeks, I haven’t gone on a single pharmaceutical company jobs website, law school website, medical school website, etc. Sure, I’ve been distracted by Gmail, Facebook, ESPN.com, etc., but in terms of my career path, never once did I stray from the task at hand. And because of that, I began to think, ‘Hmm…maybe this is where I belong’.
But other people have other ideas, and I’m okay with that. As usual, I did things systematically. When I was informed of the news this afternoon by the graduate chair and committee member, I asked the graduate chair, ‘Do I have any other options in order to fulfill my PhD degree at Penn now?’ She said no. I was out of petitions, options, hunger strikes, terrorist threats (just kidding), etc.
Then she started talking about career services and other things. She was trying to be helpful, which I told her I appreciated, but I told her and that all I was concerned about today was finding out my academic options. The rest of the stuff, I’ll worry about later because it would all go in one ear and out the other given the bad news I’d just received.
Is it a shock? No. I told everyone I knew that this could go 50/50. I did my best to answer tough questions. I fared better than last time but ultimately it was not enough.
Apparently, I’ve already fulfilled the master’s degree requirements, so I could just coast the rest of the year. It would be easy to do that, but that’s not in my blood. The funny thing that sucks is that if you finish your PhD, no one cares about your grades but if you don’t, your grades for future employers or other school programs will become even more important! And I have an even 3.5 right now…I’ll work hard to keep it.
I don’t really have time to think about what I want to do next…after this school year ends. I have a biology exam on Thursday and my sister’s wedding coming up. The latter will be an absolutely welcome distraction, but after that, it will be back to, ‘What do I do now?’
Maybe 20 years down the road, I’ll laugh at this and think this was the right thing for me. Many people believe that things happen for a reason and whatever happens turns out for the best. I don’t know if I subscribe (prescribe?) to that theory but in 20 years’ time, we’ll see.
None of you should feel bad for me. I did not have the merit to pass, so I did not deserve to. Are there a number of items which I disagree with on the final report? You bet. The final report written by my committee is well-meaning and detailed, but in my opinion, laden with errors. However, no amount of nitpicking will change the end result.
So I stand before you and ask you, ‘What do I do?’ Leave a comment. E-mail me. Something. I’ll come up with the final answer, but your opinions are always welcome and will shape my thinking.
I remember sitting by the pond just before Friday’s qualifying exam and thinking, ‘What is the one thing I have learned throughout this process?’ And while it is not something new, I was reminded that the fundamental nature of humanity is kindness, forgiveness, and good graces. Sure, unhealthy amounts of ego, ignorance, and other misdemeanors get in the way, but I have received so much help from people over the last few months and the last couple of years that I know I could not have made it through without them. Family, friends, classmates, teachers, etc.
Today kinda’ sucked but I have a biology exam to study for, so I’ll put this behind me and move on. When a real tragedy comes my way, I can only hope I’ll be just as unaffected. But today…well…I’m just hoping it’s a blessing in a disguise.
Oh yah, I came home today and made a fresh batch of cookies. I made 8 cookies and the ate the rest of the cookie dough. Mad relief = ecstasy.
My dear friend,
You are going through the first open ended period of your life in a long time. I wish that I didn’t know what you are feeling, but because if the recent incompleteness in my own life I understand. I know that it’s not an ideal place to be. You are standing on a cliff. The whole world stretches out in front of you but your endpoint is blurred. Now the world ahead is not what you suspected it would be.
I am learning, and I’m sure you have seen it too, that nothing, absolutely nothing turns out the way we plan. Even with the most careful and scrupulous planning, nothing ever will come out exactly the way we want.
Shardule, I’ve often stood by the pond as you have pondering (pun?) what would happen next in my own life. In just the much too short time I have had the great pleasure of knowing you, we have had the privilege of sharing in each other’s successes and disappointments. You know well (I’m sorry about this in some cases) the frustration I have felt in some aspects of my personal life. In a moment of redemption you told me once, during one of our many morale boosting late night sessions (the doctor is in!) that never in your life will you get everything to go as you like all at once.
I think what you meant is that with all the aspects of a healthy and happy existence, financial, romantic, academic, social, etc, never will everything be in place at once.
Shardule, you have a lot going for you. You have great friends who support you, wonderful family and a girl who cares for you. If too many drops fall into the cup, it will overflow. The one thing that didn’t go the way you’d want it to turned out, in this case, to be the one thing you thought you could count on.
This is ok.
I have seen you work and I believe that you will achieve greatness in whatever you pursue. This is just based on my own observation of your ethics.
You are a scientist, a sports fanatic, a thinker and a politician. It’s up to you to make a decision that you didn’t expect to be making for two more years. This is ok. Know that it isn’t as important what you choose, because in whatever you choose, you will succeed.
You have many options. If you choose to stay here and pursue a career or possibly a different type of graduate study, you know that you have friends who will stand by you. Who will never give you up, let you down or desert you…
Shardule, I know my comments will not help you to a solution or a decision in what you need to do in the near future, but I hope that your confidence in yourself remains high. That is my goal. Whichever course of Shaqtion you take, you are bound to success. You are far too good a person.
A very important person in my life offered her advice today. She said, “God gives the most trying situations to those He knows can handle them.”
You didn’t plan on this, but it will be for the best, though you may not see how just yet.
Stay strong and remember that we are struggling with you.
Zack Cyphers
Shardule,
I’ve only known you a short time, but in that short time I have certainly noticed how dedicated of a person you are. And I mean that not only in regards to your schoolwork. Many a night I’ve been over to find you glued to your book, but you also rise with the sun to go take care care of your physical-self by playing basketball, and you’ve also been a dedicated friend.
To quote the great John Lennon of Beatles fame: “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.”
I know it’s easy to recite quotes and to attempt to placate bad situations with ancient adages, but I feel that anything that brings hope is a good thing. Anything that can make you feel better, even for a fleeting instant (as long as it’s not chemically related — I know how much you love smoking crack with Manoj, but I really can’t allow that anymore) is a good thing to welcome into your life.
You have to stay positive. Look at the good things that came from this experience. You were fortunate enough to earn a graduate degree from an Ivy League university. That sir, is quite an accomplishment and something that you should be very proud of. It’s worth bragging about. Sure, you didn’t receive the degree you wanted, but your accomplishments shouldn’t be overlooked.
Also, I’d like to hope your time in Philadelphia has brought you good times with good friends, and I hope that if nothing else, you’ve learned some things about yourself, about life and about your hope and dreams while living in a new city.
Your achievements, your dedication and your overall character will take you far, Shardule. And I don’t think you’re going to need 20 years to see how this pans out… Maybe in six months you can look back and go “wow… if that never happened, I wouldn’t be here.”
I’ll give you the same advice I gave Zack… hit the ground running. Actively look into thing, do some research, fill out applications, don’t close any doors or eliminate any opportunities. You’ll never know what you like until you try.
I’m here for you if you need ANYTHING… if I’m not found eating you guys out of house and home in your kitchen, I’m never that far away…
BY THE WAY… ComcastSportsNet is hiring Sports Reporters (I’m a journalist, what do you want from me)… Judging by your quality of writing and your over all articulate-ness, I don’t think that’s a path you should rule out. You never know until you try.
Dear Shardule, Lionhearted:
To follow your tone of optimism, I will not start this comment with condolences, but with praise. You, Shardule, are one of the brightest, kindest, and most rational people I know. You have always been the undisturbed lake to my crazy torrential downpour. You have built me up and set me straight (there’s a joke here, i know it), a countless amount of times [For this I can't thank you enough]. You have taken every opportunity of your life (as far as I’ve seen) to improve and grow into a better person. You have pushed yourself with diligence farther than anyone else I have ever seen. Your reaction to this unpleasant news amazes me. I wish I could have the same composure when not getting into medical school. But I am glad you recognize that this was not from lack of effort. You have worked so hard to get to where you have now, and that will only propel you forward in your next endeavor.
So, I’m sure that you are wanting some sort of relevant suggestions, rather than a Shardulathon Praise Session. For one, I’m not sure I am the best person to tell you how to follow a life-plan, besides i’ll give the latter any day of the week…Nonetheless, I’ll try to muster up some sort of advice. Don’t look back (at least not right away). You could easily spend every waking hour thinking what you could have done better, and that sort of paranoia is left for when you will face a similar situation in the future. For now, open your mind to the great many options in your future. Pick an industry. Then, pick your career. Keep this in mind, when thinking about your next step: This country will allow you to do anything you want, the time table (and finances) being the only variables.
I have often wondered what if things don’t work out…and the only thing that keeps me going is this belief. It may not work out right away all at once, but it will work out. In 20 years, you WILL (hopefully) look back and see this as a necessary step in your career path. Using myself as an example, when I didn’t get in, i was pretty bummed. But now, I can’t imagine how hard med school would have been if I went straight from Case. Anyways, I find I am beginning to ramble…(i told you i’m no good at this)…so i’ll wrap up.
Just know that we are here for you. You cannot fall without having us around to help pick you up [adapted from Batman Begins...Alfred:"Why do we fall, Master Bruce? To learn how to pick ourselves up."]
What’s the next thing you should do? Celebrate your successes, realize your support system (zack and I will play as many Juggernaut clips as necessary to keep you laughing), perfect your basketball game (and your sprint speed), and KICK SOME SERIOUS @$$ ON YOUR EXAM!
Wow, your friends wrote some lovely things. I am so very sorry, you know that. We will figure something out, together. You have a world of support on your side. Your sister.
I admire your work,can you teach me how to write such a nice article
Hey Shardizzy,
I just finished my quals on Weds, and I can tell you with absolute certainty that it was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. I had a hard-hitting committee, who gave me no easy questions, and I literally fought back tears in the hallway as they decided my fate. I was nearly certain that I had failed. However, I passed. I have a somewhat severe conditional-pass, in that I have to write an additional Specific Aim for my proposal, but they still let me through. I am still devestated by how stupid I felt, and its taken me these past few days to get over it.
That being said, I realize my “passing by the skin of my teeth” probably cannot compare to your failure. But know that while I was sitting in the hall as my committee debated my strengths and weaknesses, I thought a lot about what I would do if I failed. The number one thing that I came up with was what you have already mentioned…
That it was one hell of a learning experience.
I would really say that now is probably a good time to figure out other things about what you want from life. In my case, I was going to focus on experiencing new things and solidifying relationships with people that have always been important to me. This might be a real opportunity to get involved in other people’s lives, something that as scientists we don’t allow ourselves enough time to do.
You are not a failure. You followed this path as far as it would go. I guess now its time to find a new one.
Ok, anyway, in all seriousness, have you considered going into science-related public policy? There’s a lot that can be done in the way of changing public opinion about science and funding, and a lot of it needs to be done by real scientists. I’ve kind of become an advocate lately, so if you’re interested, I have some ideas of where you could start looking…
Lastly, dude, you are brilliant. Your brilliance comes from your dedication and your general fortitude to face difficult tasks. I know that you’ll find something to do that is fulfilling. Good luck, Shardizzy. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help!
Philos,
Patty
you rock my world!!!
re-read this latest entry. i think it’s seriously time to throw in the towell.